Dude, where's my cow?
by Sherra-sama
Summary: As promised here's chapter 3!! The plot deepens...sort of!! Please, R&R, minna-san!!
1. Link and Saria's midnight mission.

~Disclaimer: I don't own The Legend of Zelda, its characters, or Lon-Lon milk in whole or in part. If I did, the new Zelda game's characters for the GCN wouldn't be in SD format.  
  
A/N: This takes place after Majora's Mask, I guess...yeah, that sounds about right. This story is just scary. My sister and chocolate is to blame for this one. I am going to do a bunch of chapters like this if I think of stuff to put in them.  
  
***  
  
A gentle breeze caressed the sleeping Kokiri village. It was night, early morning perhaps, and not a soul was awake. Well, almost none. The Paperboy and the Lon-Lon milk man were making their rounds at this early hour, but everyone else was asleep, or stalking their object of obsession. Link and Saria had gotten up early to begin their campaign against the Deku Baba race. You see, the ones that can move about had decided to take up residence in the Lost Woods and the surrounding area (Kokiri Forest).  
  
The Kokiri council (which consists of Mido and two other parrotlike minions who just repeat what he says to the extent that they could be compared to broken records) had decided to just leave the Deku Babas alone. Oh, no. Link and Saria had quickly decided to swiftly and quietly commit genocide against the Deku Baba race in the dead of night. So they crept out quietly as only one who has grown up in a forest can, Link armed with the Kokiri Sword, Saria with his Fairy Slingshot, and both with several cans of Weed Killer and Raid (for nosy fairies) strapped to artillery belts. Both were decked in commando outfits, complete with spiffy helmets and the forest camouflage pattern, gloves and knee-high boots. They crept to the Great Deku Tree's grove (it's still dead) to kill the weeds infesting that area. They split up, and doom quickly fell upon those poor, unsuspecting Deku Babas. Link quickly discovered that the weed killer was quieter that the sword, albeit it took longer to kill the weeds. He made a silent signal toward Saria, and she quickly got the message. After a few minutes, the Deku Babas were exterminated.  
  
Meanwhile, a silent figure had intently been watching the duo, and once they were out of sight of the village, it swooped into Link's tree house. Muffled scuffling could be heard for a few minutes, then nothing. The figure left the tree house as quickly as it had come, looking a little lopsided as it hurriedly left.  
  
Meanwhile, Link and Saria had finished with the Great Deku Tree's grove. They had even made it Deku Baba-proof, so none could grow back. Ever. They crept into the Lost Woods and continued weeding. The sun began to rise, and the Kokiri Village music began to sound. The two of them ran back home as quickly as they could.  
  
Link scaled his ladder in record time, and nearly slipped when his Commando boots hit the newly-waxed floor of his tree house. He quickly changed into his usual tunic and boots, and grabbed his shield, the Spiritual Stones, and anything else he could bring with, sans Navi. (That really sucks that he doesn't find her in Majora's Mask, it kinda defeats the purpose of the game.) Looking around he noticed something was missing, a rather big something.  
  
  
  
"..........Hey, where's my cow?"  
  
  
  
~End chapter~  
  
Mwa ha ha!! Expecting something important to be stolen??  
  
Find out what happens to Bessie next chapter!! Next chapter will be longer, too!!  
  
...*looks around* I should get some Zelda-related sprites...hmmm, but who? 


	2. The case of the missing cows.

~Disclaimer: I am not Miyamoto-san. I don't own Zelda or (sniff) Lon-Lon milk.  
  
A/N: I lied. Sorry; it isn't as funny as I intended. I need sprites for Zelda; all of my other sprites don't inspire me on Zelda fics!! Anyway...oh! Thank you Shawshank for the title! And thank you reviewers for the reviews!! I thrive on reviews; the more reviews I get, the more often I'll update the ficcie!! I have no plot, just an insane idea that needs to ripen into one. ^_^  
  
****here there be lost cows****  
  
Link looked around confusedly. His cow was most definitely missing. He walked out onto his balcony, the midmorning sun blinding him. (How time can fly when you're in Hyrule...or Termina) He hopped down and strode over to where Saria was standing. "Saria! My cow's gone!!" He cried. Saria blinked at Link. "You lost your cow? How do you lose a cow??" "How should I know? I just know that she's gone!" "..." Saria sighed. How does someone lose a cow?  
  
"I can't believe it! Mr. No Fairy lost his stupid cow!" a nasally voice crowed from behind them. Link and Saria turned around and there stood Mido, leader of the Kokiri, flanked by his two fellow councilmen. Mido began to laugh, his lackeys quickly falling in time with him. "It's not that funny, Mido," Saria snapped, "With the cow gone, we won't have any milk." A collective gasp could be heard from the Kokiri. How would they get by without milk, nutritious and delicious Lon-Lon milk no less, with its bone-strengthening calcium and nine essential nutrients? How would they ever eat another cookie again? It was too horrible to even think about! It was worse than the Great Deku Tree dying, worse even then the Deku Babas terrorizing the village on a daily basis...  
  
"Hey!" Random Kokiri A said, breaking the dread-filled silence, "where are all the Deku Baba?" Link and Saria simultaneously sweat dropped. "I'll go and check the ranch! Maybe they know what happened! I'm off; it's a ways to the ranch!" Link hurriedly said, making a quick exit from the group of Kokiri and heading toward Hyrule Field at a dead run, pulling the Bunny Hood from his pack and slapping it over his green hood all the while. Saria headed toward the Lost Woods, saying something about needing to practice her ocarina, leaving a confused group of Kokiri behind.  
  
***  
  
Link pattered across the field lightning-quick. (Well, perhaps not quite that fast, but you get the idea.) He made a beeline for Lon-Lon ranch, home to Lon-Lon milk. It was the most prominent brand of milk (because it's the only one) in Hyrule, and the only milk he had ever tasted that was more delicious and nutritious was the luscious, rare, and expensive Chateau Romani. Idly, he wondered how milk would taste with chocolate in it as he crossed the threshold into Lon-Lon ranch.  
  
Once inside, he began to look for Malon, the daughter of the owner, Talon. He found her in the middle of the corral, where she usually stood and sang, from sunrise to sunset. Link had often wondered if the girl took the time to eat. Today, something was different, though. She wasn't singing, and Link could tell by the absence of her rhythmic swaying movement she used when she sang to keep time. Her father and Ingo were with her, and the two of them were deep in conversation, and a cow was out there as well. He removed his Bunny Hood, and pattered over, armor and weapons clinking in time with his footfalls.  
  
"I don't understand what happened to them," Talon was saying, "How could all but one disappear overnight?" "I heard a sound from where we keep the livestock, and went in there to check it out, and lo and behold, all the cows were gone but this one! The horses were all there, just the cows were taken!" Ingo said. Malon began to hop up and down. "I heard a noise last night; it woke me up! I looked outside, but nothing was there!" "Even the cows in the silo were taken!" Talon moaned. "WHAT?!?" Link cried, "Your cows are gone too?!?" Talon looked down at Link. "What do you mean, 'yours too?' Was your cow taken as well?" Link looked up at Talon. "Yes! My cow is gone without a trace!" "Why would someone steal the cows?" Malon asked. "To monopolize the milk industry," Ingo concluded. "It's such an honor to be allowed to work here, I don't see why they didn't apply for a job." Link sweat dropped. So, it wasn't just his cow.  
  
He'd have to look for clues! He ran over to the Silo, and sure enough, the bovine occupants were nowhere to be seen. He carefully inspected the silo, and happened upon a feather. It wasn't surprising; birds love to roost in places like silos. He pocketed the feather. He'd have to ask around about this. He also had one other place to check. He whipped out the Ocarina of Time, and transported himself to the Sacred Forest Meadow, which was the closest warp point to where he was headed.  
  
*End Chapter*  
  
That wasn't as long as I wanted it to be, but I couldn't think of anything really funny about the ranch or its occupants. My inspiration is dwindling...must get a sprite...anyway, chap 3 will come if I get reviews! 


	3. Dude, pass the sake!!

~Disclaimer of DOOM: I don't own Zelda, so don't sue. Ha. Like you'd get any money; all mine's been spent on anime. ^.^  
  
Author's Notes: Here is chappie 3!! Yay!! I finally get to post it now that I found some inspiration!! And I have some time!! I'm stuck in the accursed summer school taking Health, and I've been loaded with work. Between that and the site, well you get the picture... Anyway, sorry if people are out of character, I don't really remember what they're like, and I'm too lazy to pull out my N64 and see. Annd...I have Sprites for Zelda! Here, look!! *pulls Link and a Lon Lon Milk-giving cow out of hammerspace.* ^^ Yum, calcium filled milk...for FREE!! *runs away cackling* Link: O.O;  
  
***And so the "saga" continues***  
  
Link appeared in the Sacred Forest Meadow in a whirl of green balls of light to the finale of the Minuet of Forest. Ignoring Saria, who was too wrapped up in her ocarina song to notice his presence, Link stepped off of the Transport Point embellished with the symbol of Forest. He walked over to a far corner of the meadow, and knelt down in front of a small hole in the foliage. He gingerly crawled inside, emerging on the other side after just a moment. He got up and dusted himself off, surveying his surroundings all the while.  
  
He was in a part of the Lost Woods rarely traveled through even by the Kokiri or Skull Children. This area, in his opinion, was why the woods had been dubbed "Lost." The trees were so closely spaced it shaded out almost all light, and the lush foliage was so thick, you'd have better luck finding your way through a dense fog blindfolded than through this forest. Link, however, had struggled his way through this natural maze more than once, and was confident he could do it again.  
  
After a few hours of what looked like directionless wandering to the inexperienced, Link came to a door. He walked up and swung it open, soundly shutting the door behind him as he passed through. After a bit of playing with his masks that have rather...unique effects on the user, he came to another door. He swung this one open, too, and was greeted by loud organ music.  
  
"It can't be," Link murmured. He looked to see who was playing the organ, and to his dismay, The Happy Mask Salesman was skillfully playing the Song of Healing with the air of one that has had way too much practice. "No, not this crazy freak," Link thought as the Salesman turned toward Link. "Well, your back. Unexpected, that is. What brings you back to Termina so soon? You forget something? Did someone take something of yours? I still have my masks, all of them, that I do." Link blinked at him for a moment before answering, "No, I didn't forget anything. I just...wanted to check something out." "Do you remember the Song of Healing? It's soo good for your Health. It reduces Stress. Too much Stress is bad, but too little is too. The extremes can kill you, that they can. Don't play it too much or too little. If you don't remember it, I'll teach it again," the Salesman said dreamily as he turned to his organ and began to play the Song of Healing again.  
  
  
  
Link sweat dropped. Edging toward the door out of the tower, he quickly said, "No, that won't be necessary; I remember it. Well, bye!" He slipped out of the door, shutting it behind him. Link looked at the town he had just entered. He was in Clock Town, smack-dab in the center of Termina, home of the freaks. It was about one o'clock, and everyone was happily going about their unchanging daily schedules. Link pulled out his map and studied it for a moment before heading toward West Clock Town. Ignoring the Bomber who was trying to hit that balloon with his...blowgun-thingie, Link headed straight toward the exit. The guard blocked his path. "It's dangerous out there. I can't allow kids to wander about unprotected!!" He said. "I have a sword," Link said as he gestured toward said weapon. "Okay, then! You may pass!!" The guard said as he moved aside to allow Link passage. "Wow," the guard said to himself, "These kids these days are learning self-defense at younger and younger ages. Soon we'll have 3-year- olds with Bombchu!!"  
  
"..." Link chose to ignore the guard and walked out of Clock Town into Termina field. He took out his ocarina and played Epona's Song. The horse obediently came, and stood next to him, whinnying softly. Link mounted her and nudged her toward the Ranch. Epona got the drift and cantered off. After a few minutes of running over green chuchus, they arrived at Milk Road.  
  
Ominous chuckling could be heard as they passed the Gormon racetrack. Link also ignored that and nudged Epona forward. They entered Romani ranch. They approached the house, and there was Romani, faithfully practicing her archery. Link dismounted and strode up to her. He watched her determinedly try to shoot down the ghost balloon several times. Finally, she turned toward Link.  
  
"........Grasshopper!! You came to visit!! Romani is practicing, and will hit that ghost soon," she declared. "...Ah, Romani?" Link said slowly, "I think you'd have better luck if you used arrows; you're not shooting anything off..." "...........Romani is trying to hit the balloon with the force of the air from the bowstring, Grasshopper," Romani said. ".....but my name isn't Grasshopper..." "It is now, Grasshopper!!" ".....ah, Romani, where's your sister?"  
  
"Cremia would normally be petting the cows and making them happy, so they'll produce Chateau Romani, but the cows are gone!!! That is why Romani must practice!! If Romani can pop the ghost, then Romani can get the cows back, even if Romani runs out of ammo!!" "Your cows are missing, too?!?" Link gasped. This was too much. Whoever was taking the cows had access to Termina, as well as Hyrule. "That's right," a voice came from behind Link. It was Cremia, Romani's older sister. "All of our cows have been taken, in the dead of night. I don't know who could have taken them; the Gormon brothers don't have enough backbone to steal cows, nor do they have hiding places for them. The mayor and some of the guardsmen went over and investigated, and they had no cows. Who else would want them, though? I don't understand," Cremia said, close to tears.  
  
Link frowned, "all the cows in Hyrule are gone, save the few who are in those underground caverns, and maybe the one in Kakariko Village. Maybe. All the cows in Termina are gone as well...arrrgh!!! Who would want cows?? It's not like milk is too expensive or anything!!" Link shook his head furiously. Maybe Princess Zelda had a dream about this. "I have to check out some things," Link explained over his shoulder as he mounted Epona and cantered off. Romani and Cremia blinked, looked at each other, and returned to what they had been doing before Link's unexpected visit. Link dismounted Epona at the entrance to the Gormon racetrack and crept up behind the dilapidated shack to spy on the Gormon brothers. Drunken voices floated to Link's ears. "Hee, those morons losht all their cows...*.hic*" "One thing's for sure...*hic* we didn't take them...I wish that we did, but noo...*hic* pash the sake, brother..."  
  
Silently, Link backed away and remounted Epona. He nudged her out toward Termina Field. Those two were drunk beyond imagination. Link doubted that they had taken the cows; the haze that alcohol puts over the mind makes very hard for the drunkard to lie, especially when they are unaware of an audience. Link and Epona cantered back toward Clock Town. He'd have to ask Zelda about this. Besides, she needs a break from being a princess. With that in mind, Link headed back to Hyrule.  
  
~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`  
  
Author: -.- I can't ever make these chapters very long...  
  
Link: Maybe if you wouldn't be listening to Yuu Yuu Hakusho and Inu-Yasha songs, you'd get somewhere.  
  
Author: .....I'm startin' to like Bessie here better than you, Link.  
  
Bessie: Moo...  
  
Link: ... 


End file.
